Match Maker
by Slaycinder
Summary: Riku finds himself stuck in a situation which is wildly inappropriate and completely awkward, and guess which overzealous brunette is behind it all? Go ahead. Guess. Crack-inspired twoshot. Soriku. Rated T for WTF? and language.
1. Part I

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts…Which means I don't own Axel…Which means my life is empty. ;_; AND HE'S NOT EVEN IN THIS ONE!**

**A/N: *deep breath* Okay, guys. An eye for an eye—I made Roxy write a crack fic last week, and now it's my turn. As I did with hers, I used my "What in the F* KH Crack Generator" to determine the parameters of my fic. THIS IS JUST FOR FUN. Don't get your panties in a bunch, 'kay? As I told Roxy, it's CRACK fiction. It's not supposed to be a Pulitzer Prize-winner and it's not supposed to make any sense. Hence, CRACK. That being said, here goes nothing.**

**God save us all.**

…**especially Riku.**

**-Slay**

-Match Maker-

* * *

The question had come out of nowhere.

Literally, _nowhere. _He'd been propped against the anomalous tree of their usual haunt, watching the twinkling sea as it ran on before him and clashed with the hard blue of a cloudless summer sky—minding his own damn business—when Sora showed up.

Now, it wasn't Sora dropping in that caught him off guard—he was used to his enthusiastic friend magically appearing and swinging up onto the trunk before launching into his usual chatter. What he _wasn't _used to, was that same enthusiastic friend sidling up behind him without a sound and quietly asking, "You're lonely, aren't you, Riku?"

"…What?"

Sora was leaning over the tree trunk, his large zaffre eyes dampened with…that had better not be _pity. _"Well you spend so much time out here by yourself," he said sympathetically. "And I realized you don't have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend or anything."

"So?"

"So I think you're lonely. And that's why you mope around all the time."

Riku pulled a face. It was true he wasn't seeing anyone—but since when was that a criteria for gauging happiness? Sora was single, too, and nobody worried about _him. _…Well, not in that context, anyway.

"I just enjoy my time alone, that's all," Riku replied simply. Was that such a crime?

"Or maybe…" The brunette tilted his head thoughtfully. "You've just forgotten what it's like to not be so alone."

Well _that _was _profound. _Since when did Sora think so deeply?

Riku passed him an impressed and curious glance from behind the argent veil of his bangs. Their eyes met for a brief, breathless second, and Riku said, "…You've been reading Kairi's vampire books again, haven't you?"

The brunette's face tightened, annoyed. "I'm _serious, _Riku!" When he spoke, his voice was newly exasperated, and borderline whiny; which Riku preferred. _Wise and existential_ Sora wasn't nearly as much fun as _My name is Sora and I've been an eight-year-old for almost a decade_ Sora.

Said overgrown eight-year-old crawled over the tree trunk, dropping down in front of Riku and glaring up at him. "I think you need to go out with someone," he said resolutely.

"Oh yeah? Like who?"

An unexpected hesitation broke his friend's determination. Apparently he hadn't thought that far ahead. "That…uh… Don't worry about _who _right now," he backpedaled. "My point is, you gotta find _somebody._" He rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit that didn't escape the silverette's notice. Maybe he really _did _have someone in mind, but wouldn't say _who _because he was too…nervous? Wait…

Riku decided to circle back to that. "Sor'…I'm not just gonna grab some _stranger _off the street and _date _them."

"It wouldn't _have _to be a _stranger,_" Sora countered softly, absently kneading his hands together.

"What…what're you getting at?"

It was then that the brunette's reticence cracked—he grabbed Riku's arm and spoke fast and pleading, "Riku, you know you're my best friend and I _really _care about you, and I just don't want you to end up alone, and I know you're not big on socializing with new people, but maybe the right match for you _isn't _a new person; maybe it's someone who's been there the whole time, and you just haven't realized it yet, y'know?"

Riku couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was this really happening? Was Sora really…? He felt his cheeks heating up at the anxious—and completely adorable—insecurity written across his friend's face as he rambled.

"And since you don't seem to be moving forward on your own, or whatever," Sora continued hastily, "I thought I'd make the first move—y'know, to get things going?"

The silverette couldn't help but grin, eyes softening as he rested an affectionate hand over the one gripping his arm. "Sora…"

"So I set you up on a blind date this Friday!"

Riku blinked. "…Wait, what?"

The next thing he knew, Sora was smiling like an idiot and waving a pair of movie tickets in front of his face. "There's a new romcom playing downtown—perfect for a first date, right?"

Riku floundered, "What? But—I thought…"

"Thought what, Riku?" The look Sora gave him was so completely sweet and ignorant that Riku didn't dare confess what he'd been thinking a moment ago. So instead he shook his head and took a step back, crossing his arms. "So who'd you set me up with?" He huffed.

Sora seemed concerned for a second, but then he bounced right back and quipped, "Well, it wouldn't be a _blind _date if I _told _you, would it?" He stuffed the tickets into the crease of Riku's arms in the hopes that he'd hang onto them. "There ya go."

"Dammit, Sora, I don't—"

"The movie starts at seven-thirty, but what's a first date without dinner, right? So be at the _Restaurant That Never Was_by six sharp."

"Sora—"

"Don't worry, I took care of the reservation. All you gotta do is show up and look pretty." He gave Riku's cheek an encouraging pat. "Shouldn't be too hard for you, ya rascal."

"…"

"Aw, you don't have to thank me, pal. What're friends for?" Sora smiled triumphantly and took his leave before Riku could get another word in. The silverette sighed, and looked down warily at the movie tickets tucked between his arms. He was _not _looking forward to Friday.

* * *

**A/N: Hehe. Riku got rickrolled. …he got Rikurolled. Poor guy. xD In case you were wondering, we haven't gotten to the cracky part yet—that's just around the corner in this little two-shot. Hmm. I wonder who this 'blind date' could be? So stay tuned for Riku's extended period of suffering. WE LOVE YOU, RIKU! Review for a chakram cookie~ flame for a chakram to the face! **

**-Slay**


	2. Part II

**Disclaimer: You know the drill—no KH. No Axel. Sadness. ;_;**

**A/N: Okay, so about half way through writing this part, I realized that this disaster is gonna run a little longer than a twoshot (I'M SO SORRY RIKU Dx). So I'm cheating and making it a threeshot instead. It's not quite a chappy—not yet. So here we are, at the beginning of the thrilling second installment of **_**Match Maker, **_**where Riku's fate shall be revealed! REMEMBER: This is a crack-based fic, and as I said in the last chapter, **_**this **_**is where the crack comes in. Just a reminder so no one feels the need to throttle me or question my logic (or lack thereof). AU and OOC will probably ensue.**

_**Bon à lire!**_

**-Slay**

* * *

_Match Maker_

Chapter 2 – A Meal Fit For a Crazy Person

_6:00 PM_

The _Restaurant That Never Was _was a tall and stately building of streamlined architecture planted in the heart of the city, preceded by a broad and gallant steps where guests lingered and chatted lightly. With a reputation as the finest restaurant in town, the _Restaurant That Never Was _implied a dress code and an atmosphere that was a bit swanky for Riku's taste, and as a result he felt very uncomfortable standing by the entrance in what was essentially his usual attire—only darker.

He had traded out his white and yellow vest for a black one, his jeans for black slacks, and his boots for predominantly black converse—because black was the universal color of _fancy. _Right?

He took a deep breath through the nose and started toward the doors, but stopped again when he realized something; Sora said he'd taken care of the reservation, but had never bothered to mention _whose name _that reservation was under. "Dammit, Sora…"

He supposed he could trial-and-error it.

After resigning himself to the fact that this evening was going to suck no matter what he did, Riku marched dolefully up the steps, passing through the opened doors and stopping at the end of a short line of other reservation-holders. As he inched forward in line, Riku patched together his guesses about the reservation. He'd try his own name first—if he was lucky, Sora had used some common sense when reserving their spot.

"Ah, you must be Mr. Kurayami. We've been expecting you."

Riku jumped at the sound of his name, and realized he was suddenly at the front of the line. "Oh! Uh…yeah. Sorry, I—what the!" He jumped again when he saw who the _maître d'_ was.

"Sora!?"

The brunette stood dressed in the hoity-toity uniform of restaurant staff, wearing frameless glasses and the most unconvincing false mustache Riku had ever seen—it wasn't even the color of his _hair_. "Sora? I don't know who you're talking about," he drawled with an overdone impression of _class_. "My name is Willoughby and I'll be your _maître d' _this fine evening."

_Willoughby? Really? _ Riku resisted the urge to slap a hand across his face. He should have seen this coming. He really should have seen this coming. "Look," he grunted, "can I just be seated already? I wanna get this over with."

"Very good, sir."

Sora—oh, sorry, _Willoughby _stroked his phony-bologna mustache in approval. "But first, sir, may I just say—you're looking _exceptionally dapper _this evening!"

Riku glanced at his lazy excuse for _formal _attire. "…Dapper. Sure. Let's go with that."

"Very good, sir. Although…pardon my _candor_, but I can't help feeling it's _missing _something."

Candor? Sora didn't use words like _candor. _"It's _fine. _Can I just go sit now?" Riku tried to move past the sign-in stand but was stopped by the sham _maître d'. _

"But _sir,_" the nutjob insisted, "Surely you want to look your very _best _for your _special date _tonight?"

"Sora, I'm not in the mood for—"

"_Still _don't know who this _Sora _fellow is_,_" the brunette asserted, grabbing Riku's shoulder and swinging him around the side of the _maître d' _podium. "Now, you know what this outfit needs?"

"A switchblade?"

"Close!" Sora whipped a yellow bowtie out of his vest pocket. "An extra splash of class!"

Ducking a very serrated glare, the impersonator quickly situated the bowtie around Riku's neck, then took a step back to admire his work. "Aha! That did the trick! …Ooh, _one _more thing!"

"It doesn't _need _anything else!"

Riku was ignored. Before he could react, Sora had leapt behind him and was yanking on his hair, tying it back.

"While I'm sure these _luxurious silver locks_ are a point of _pride_ for you," he said snootily, "we want you to look as suave as possible tonight, don't we, sir?"

"I'll show you _suave, _you little—"

"—Let's get you to your table, shall we? Right this way, sir!"

-o-o-o-

"...No."

"Now, Mr. Kurayami—"

"_No._"

This had to be a joke; some sort of sick, twisted, messed-up _joke _that Sora had devised as revenge for some past transgression, because there was no way _on earth_ or _in hell _that _anybody _would _ever _set him up like this because they wanted to _help _him. No way. Ever. _No. _Just…_no._ Not even Sora, who was guilty of having _blinding_ flashes of stupidity on more than one occasion, could have _possibly _thought that this would work. No—it had to be a joke. Riku chanced another look at the table _Willoughby _had pointed out for him, nestled back in a dim corner of the hall and marked by a glimmering candle centerpiece. His alleged "date" sat in solitude, contentedly observing an ornate tapestry hung from the vaulted nearby wall.

He'd honestly expected a girl—that was more traditional, and it seemed like the sort of thing Sora would do. Riku had mentioned off-hand once that it didn't matter to him, and that he'd be lucky to find love in whatever form it came, but he hadn't expected that info to really stick with his friend. Well apparently it _did, _and thereby lead Sora to set him up with someone who was most definitely _not _a girl. While he appreciated Sora's consideration, gender made absolutely no difference in this situation, because the man's identity in _general _was a deal breaker.

"I am _not _going on a date with Xemnas, Sora."

"Sir, it's perfectly understandable that you have some _butterflies _in your _basket,_" his deluded friend said empathetically, daring to pat Riku's stomach for emphasis and recoiling at the death-glare he received. "The uh…The first date's always the trickiest, sir."

"…I'm leaving."

It wasn't until Riku doubled back and started trooping determinedly for the exit that Sora finally broke his stupid character, trailing after him and snagging him by the arm. "Wait! Riku! Hold on! Where're you going?"

"Home, Sora. I'm not doing this."

"But—but Riku! How d'you know it won't work unless you _try _it?"

Riku wheeled around and jabbed a finger in the direction of their table. "I don't have to _try _it! _Sora! _What could I _possibly _have in _common _with that whack-job?"

"Lots of stuff!"

The silverette rolled his eyes, completely exasperated. "Like _what?!"_

"_Well,_" Sora began confidently, but dwindled as he counted the limited items on his list with his fingers. "Uh…well, _he _has silver hair…_you _have silver hair…._he _has silver hair…"

"Valid argument, Sora. Very strong." Riku aimed to make a run for it, but was stopped again.

"Riku…"

He turned at the sound of his name, and immediately wished he hadn't. "Aw, c'mon Sora—don't do this to me."

But Sora was doing it. He had dutifully removed the glasses and the ridiculous 'stache, and was sulking like a kicked puppy, lips pouting gently, his big, blue eyes rapt and beautifully tragic as they watched Riku from beneath long, shy lashes, watering with the sweetest, most eternal sadness ever conceived by man.

…_Goddammit._

"Please, Riku…" he murmured pitifully. "For me?"

Riku knew it was a rouse. He knew Sora was just being manipulative, that he wasn't really on the brink of tears, and that he would bounce right back as soon as Riku said 'yes' and Sora got what he wanted. Riku knew all of this, but still…he couldn't bring himself to shut the brunette down, because there was the off-chance that he was serious. What if he really _was _hurt? Maybe this stupid date really meant something to him—maybe he was genuinely worried. Riku couldn't punish him for trying to be a good friend, even if he _was _going about it the _completely _wrong way. Besides, he couldn't stand to see Sora so much as _pretending _to cry, and would do just about anything to put an end to it—even if that meant going on a stupid blind date with someone as _out there _as _Xemnas. _

He heaved a burdened sigh. "_Fine."_

Just as he suspected, the near-to-tears wilt in Sora's expression lifted instantly, replaced by unbridled joy and a familiar, flamboyant smile. The brunette shoved the glasses back onto his face and smoothed the false mustache across his upper lip, beaming from ear to ear. "Very good, sir!"

…And that was how Riku ended up here, in the single most awkward, inappropriate and altogether _jacked up _ situation he had ever experienced; sitting across from the weirdest guy in town (who was like, _twice_ his age, _just sayin'_) at a 'romantically' candlelit white-cloth table in the darkest corner of a 'romantic' restaurant with a 'romantic' atmosphere and 'romantic' quartet music drifting through the air while Riku strained every fiber of his being trying _not_ to slam his head against the table hard enough to knock himself unconscious.

Riku poked uneasily at the unidentifiably fancy meal on his plate, not feeling even remotely hungry for it. "So…food here looks…pretty good, huh?"

Across the table, Xemnas sat completely unphased by the situation, staring devotedly at the tapestry over Riku's head, occasionally forking in a bite of his own food. "Indeed."

"You, uh…you like steak?"

"Indeed."

"Er… Got any…hobbies?"

"Indeed."

"…" Riku set down his cutlery, certain he wasn't going to stomach anything tonight, and swished the ice water around in his glass. He glanced around the hall, pausing when he thought someone was staring at him—some azurette across the way looked highly suspicious for a second, but when Riku looked, he had turned back to his own table. Riku shook it off. "Whaddaya like to do?"

He supposed it was too much to ask that Xemnas enjoyed stamp collecting or scrapbooking like a normal person_. _At his question the older man got a small, creepy smile on his face, his vivacious eyes zoning out. He dropped his fork and lifted his arms over the table, speaking past Riku emphatically.

"I do as I have always done… I search this soiled world tirelessly for the wayward souls that wander… lost in eternal darkness…broken, and without purpose… I gather them together under a single dream, uniting them…weaving the very _fibers_ of their _beings_ into the _glorious mesh_ of…_Kingdom Hearts_… so that its pale light may someday _shine _upon this _empty_ realm… filling our dark souls with the warmth and weight of a true and _magnificent _existence…"

"…I like videogames…"

Riku found himself fighting a strong urge to jump headlong out the nearest window. Who could blame him? Xemnas was weird. Seriously, who waltzed around town in a black, floor-length _cloak _all the time? What was he, in a _cult? _And what the hell was "Kingdom Hearts" supposed to be? Wayward souls? Eternal darkness? What the shit was wrong with this guy?

Before Riku could pose any more inane questions, they were greeted by the moron who got him into this mess.

"And how is everything going this evening, gentlemen? I hope the food is to your liking?"

Xemnas was still in la-la land, muttering something about Kingdom Hearts to himself, and all Riku could do was glare sharply at his friend.

"Excellent! And would sirs enjoy some romantic music to accompany this fine meal?" As he said it, Sora/Willoughby produced a violin, mounting it clumsily under his chin.

_Oh God. _

Riku reached up and grabbed Sora's wrist before he could drag the bow across the strings. "You can't play the violin, Sora."

The idiot knocked his hand away and flourished the bow at him dramatically. "For the last time, I am not Sora! I am Willoughby! And I'll have you know, I have been playing the violin since I was seven and consider myself an original Itzhak Perlman!"

"Hey, Itzhak Perlman—you're holding your bow wrong."

Sora blinked and noted that he was, in fact, about to draw the stick of the bow along the strings instead of the hair. He flipped it over seamlessly. "I knew that," he said haughtily. "Now, onto the music!"

"Sora, don't—"

_SCREEEEEEECH SCREEECH SCREEEEEEEEEECH _

Riku clapped his hands over his ears. The shrill keening of Sora's inexpert playing cut through the once warm and melted atmosphere of the restaurant. Heads turned; the quartet across the hall stopped playing; oh, dear _God _why was he still _going!?_

"Willoughby!" Riku stood and snatched the abused instrument away from his friend. "I think that's enough music for now!"

Sora didn't even try to take the violin back. "Ah yes! I almost forgot—you gentlemen are on a schedule!" He whipped his wrist over and inspected the watch he was suddenly wearing. "Ah, quarter 'til seven—_just _enough time for dessert!"

"We don't need dessert."

"Nonsense! Shall I bring sirs some _Pear Tarte Tatin _or _Brioche Perdu? Crêpes Suzette?_"

"Some _what?"_

"Ooh, you look like a pair of _Crème Brûlée _lovers, am I right?"

"You don't even know what Crème Brûlée _is."_

"_Crème Brûlée _it is! I'll have that ready for you toot sweet!" And with that, the brunette was gone, leaving Riku to rub a hand over his face, feeling aggravated, and little dizzy.

"Your friend seems very strange," Xemnas observed.

_You're one to talk._

"Is he a foreigner?"

Riku paused, and glanced at him.

"Yeah. He's from Dumbassizstan."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, guys, but this was getting really long and I had to cut it off. The good news is that Part III is close behind, and Riku's suffering is far from over. ...so this is now a full-blown story of what may be the most messed up night of Riku's life…whoops. ^^; I'M SO SORRY RIKU! …AGAIN! But yeah, the generator tossed out Riku and Xemnas. Not as painful as I thought it was going to be—(Riku: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!)—and hopefully you guys have gotten a kick out of this. I know I did (Riku: I DIDN'T!). :D **

**Dumbassisztan. Heehee. I amuse myself.**

**Part III soon to come! If you thought **_**this **_**was aco-taco, wait 'til we move this party to a dark theater! :D**

**Review for a chakram cookie~ **

**Flame for a chakram to the face!**

**Riku: SOMEBODY HELP ME! **

**-Slay**


	3. Part III

**Disclaimer: …You're really gonna make me say it, aren't you? *sigh* I do not own Kingdom Hearts (or Axel) and this fact depresses me greatly. Now I'm gonna go sulk in a corner. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. Oh, I also don't own FF or the actual movie referenced in this chapter. **

**A/N: w00t! Here it is! The thrilling conclusion to this massive cluster #!% that I'm proud to call my fanfiction. :D Do you like how I get all excited about a story that only like, three people ever read? HOORAY FOR INAPPROPRIATE SELF-CONFIDENCE! Now, I know Roxy especially is psyched for this installment, because she knows that this is where I have to include the "item of interest". When I throw these stupid things together, I get a pairing, an event, and an item of interest, all of which must be used in the crack!fic. So far I've used the pairing (Riku and Xemnas *twitch*) and the event (blind date). I'll come right out and say that the item of interest for this story is "hot pink pumps". **

**I'm sorry, Riku.**

**I truly am.**

**Also, I would like to thank my anonymous readers for their reviews and give them metaphorical chakram cookies! *HERE YOU GO 3* Thank you all! I'm glad my insanity amuses you! **

_**Bon à lire!**_

**-Slay**

* * *

_Match Maker_

Chapter 3 – Awkward Tacos and Romcoms

* * *

-o-o-o-

It took twenty minutes and a lot of death-glaring, but Riku finally managed to escape the _Restaurant That Never Was _with Xemnas following patiently behind.

"We are going to the theater now, right?"

"Er, yeah. It's uh…it's just down the street," Riku said distractedly, tearing off the stupid yellow bowtie and stuffing it in his pocket, where their movie tickets sat like keys to his ultimate doom. He hadn't even looked at which movie they were seeing. He was pretty sure he didn't want to know.

Riku pulled the band out of his hair and shook the silver tresses loose over his shoulders. "I…hope you like romcoms," he said dumbly.

"Indeed."

"…"

Xemnas fell in step with him, and for several minutes the two of them walked silently down the street, thankfully drawing little attention from passersby despite Xemnas' reputation as the local weirdo.

After a while, Riku tossed a brief glance over his shoulder to make sure Sora wasn't following them in a freaking trench coat or something. He didn't see Sora, but he did catch the shape of a person stealing into an alley they had just passed. It had looked like that bluenette from the restaurant…

_Nah. _

Riku turned his attention forward. Sora's stupid antics just had him wound up—he was starting to imagine things. They walked another block or so and crossed an intersection. The Moogleplex Cinema was visible one block down on the other side of the road, but Riku barely noticed it. An eerie feeling was creeping up his back, like he was being watched. He turned his head and was startled to see the same flash of blue as that stranger ducked out of sight.

Riku stopped walking. "Was that…Is there someone following us?"

Xemnas didn't break his stride, passing Riku with his hands linked decorously behind his back. "Nonsense. What would anyone want with us?" He chided passively. He didn't sound even remotely concerned. Then again…why would he? Of _course_ a weirdo like Xemnas wouldn't be bothered by some creep following him on the street.

Unconvinced, Riku stared at the dark edge of the alley, waiting for their follower to reveal himself—but he never did, and Riku had to jog down the street to catch up with Xemnas before he reached the ticket counter.

Riku flashed the tickets they already had so they could get through, and tried to ignore the strange look the vendor gave him. After he got the shortened ticket stubs, Riku decided to see what the damage was. The stub only had enough space for the word "DUDE", which Riku used to refer to the marquis behind the vendor. The match he found was _Dude, Where's My Chocobo? _at seven-thirty, starring Cloud Strife and Zack Fair. Sora had picked the movie his cousin was in. Surprise, surprise.

He sighed and slid the stub into his pocket. At least it was PG-13.

"Let's grab our seats first," he suggested, moving right past the concessions. "I can make a snack run later." That was just common movie-going strategy, right there.

Xemnas nodded in agreement, and they made their way to Cinema #7, which only had a handful of people scattered in the rows when they arrived. Riku plopped down into the first seat he saw, staying as close to the exit as possible, not caring that he'd have to watch the movie from way too close and at way too weird an angle. Xemnas didn't question his actions, and swiftly took the seat to Riku's right.

And then they just sat there.

Watching pre-previews.

They were half-way through ads for some "brilliant" and "compelling" mob drama that was coming to television next year when someone passed in front of them.

Normally, Riku wouldn't have even noticed—it was just another movie-goer looking for a seat. Except that the overhead lights were still on and the man who passed them had bold, blue hair.

His blood ran cold. Why the hell had that guy followed them to the theater? Who the hell was he? Riku tensed in his seat and tried not to flinch when he heard the man sit down directly behind him. He looked over at Xemnas, who apparently hadn't even acknowledged the man, as he was staring intently at the upturned palms of his hands. "These…" he muttered, "These are the hands that shall build it…my beautiful Kingdom Hearts…"

Riku's eye twitched a little. He stood up, Xemnas' weirdness and the pressure of that creeper's eyes boring into the back of his skull too much for him to take. "I'll just make that snack run now," he announced anxiously. "Want anything?"

Xemnas didn't look up from his hands. "Those soft pretzels are…shaped like _hearts_, aren't they?"

"I guess if you use your imagination—"

"I would like one of those. Nothing else."

"Heart-shaped pretzel. Got it!" With that Riku ran for his life.

-o-o-o-

Riku was seriously considering bolting from the theater and high-tailing it home before any more weird shit could happen. He tore out of the cinema and down the halls, then rounded a corner without looking and smacked right into whoever was standing there. He didn't knock the person over, but they did stagger back with a yelp. Riku propped his hands on his knees and caught his breath, apologizing to the floor. "Shit, I'm…I'm really sorry—I, I wasn't watching… where I was going…"

"That's okay. I'm not hurt." The voice was small and sweet, and completely unoffended. From where he was hunched over, Riku could see the person's narrow feet—clad in hot pink heels with provocative ankle straps and matching toenails. Oh, good. As if this night wasn't _screwed up enough_, he'd almost trampled some poor girl to death at the movie theater. "I really am sorry," he said again, straightening up and preparing an apologetic smile.

From the high heels he followed a pair of long, tanned legs. They ran into light pink shorts and a baby-blue sweater that sagged alluringly around her collarbone, where the pendant of a simple cerise necklace rested. Sprigs of soft brown hair jutted haphazardly from under the rosy wool cap on her head, which sported a brazen yellow flower on one side. She had a very pretty face—smooth and youthful, with thin, glossy lips and a cute, pointed nose, a flurry of lush, dark lashes and the biggest, most beautiful cobalt eyes he'd ever seen. They almost reminded him of… of…

"Psst, Riku—it's me, Sora!" A hand lifted the wool cap enough to show how prone the hair was to spiking straight up, and one of those cobalt eyes winked playfully at him.

Riku just about died.

He could feel his brain melting. His blood boiled in ungodly heat and swarmed beneath his skin. His tongue went leaden. He couldn't feel his toes. "S-S-Sora?"

"That's right!" Sora nodded enthusiastically, completely oblivious to Riku's mental breakdown. He irked his slim body this way and that, _flaunting. _

"Pretty great disguise, huh? Kairi helped me put it together." At one point, while Sora was twisted to one side, Riku noticed something in particular that _Kairi _had helped him with—Sora had donned a modest but perfectly convincing bust.

…_Dear God…_

Sora stopped winding and regarded Riku with a slightly worried brow. "You okay, Ri?"

_Ri. _Why'd he have to be so goddamn _cute?_ And why'd he put so much effort into _this _getup and _not the other one?! _Why was he even _dressed_ this way? Why was he disguised _at all_ if he was just gonna _announce _himself like that? Why? Why?! WHY? IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! With the _legs_ and the _clothes_ and the _eyes_ and the _lips—_it was giving Riku an _aneurysm!_ Was Sora _trying _to kill him?

"…Ri?"

He was. Sora was trying to kill him. And Kairi was in on it, too. Damn them.

Riku shook his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to will away the tightness coiling in his chest—and other places. "Nothing—nothing…"

After a moment Sora shrugged. "So, how's the hot date going?"

"Please don't say _hot."_

"What—?"

"What?"

"…So how's it goin'?"

Riku made an effort to glue his eyes to the floor, but found them straying up Sora's legs over and over. _F# $! _

"I'm…on a snack…run…" he said tautly. "Pretzels…and shit."

"Oh! Cool, I was just thinking of grabbing a slushy, myself."

_Of course you were!_

"C'mon, Riku! We can go together and you can tell me all the _juicy _details!" He curled his hands around Riku's arm—this did not help—and pulled him toward the lobby.

"Y'know, I don't see what girls are always complaining about," he chattered. "Walking in heels isn't so—ACK!" As he said it, one of Sora's ankles caved over the heel of the shoe, sending him pitching gracelessly sideways. Riku reached out reflexively and caught Sora in his arms like a ballroom dip, those dazzling zaffre eyes staring up at him, wide with shock.

_Not helping. Not helping. Not helping. _

"Whoops," Sora giggled—_giggled, _damn him!—and gripped Riku's shoulders to right himself, pressing their bodies together for the most torturous split second of Riku's life. "Don't tell Kairi I said that!" He laughed and patted Riku's chest like it was the funniest. joke. _ever._

"Eh-heh, yeah, sure okay. _Snacks._"

"Right, right. So what're you gonna get, Riku?"

"Cock rocks—I mean _Pop Rocks! _…I'm getting Pop Rocks…"

"That's cool."

_That was close._

They finally made it to the concession stand, and Riku almost forgot to buy Xemnas' stupid pretzel because the clerk's eyes were roving his cross-dressing friend like a freaking _buffet, _and Riku had to stare the guy down with the blazing intensity of a thousand suns before they could leave.

"You never told me how the date was going," Sora noted as they headed back to Cinema #7.

Riku trained his eyes straight ahead in a determined attempt at self-control. "How do you _think _it's going?!"

When Sora just gave him a blank, slushy-slurping look, Riku rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't even know, Sor', this whole night's just been really…" There wasn't a single word in Riku's vocabulary to describe how utterly ridiculous this entire thing was. "This isn't right," he said. "Xemnas is so…so…" He didn't have a word for that either. He sighed. "Can't we just call this all off? It's seriously freaking me out."

"Ah, _Riku. _You're just _nervous. _It's not like you do this very often." Sora smiled warmly and gave him an encouraging shoulder-nudge.

"No, Sora. It's not—"

"I know! What if I come sit with you guys? That way, if it gets awkward, I can help you out!"

"It's a little _late _for that, but okay."

Sora beamed. "You think Xemnas'll mind?"

Riku shook his head. "I don't think Xemnas will even _notice."_ Not if he was too busy staring at his hands like a pothead.

-o-o-o-

Xemnas didn't even _eat _the soft pretzel.

Instead he just sat there _cradling _it like it was his first born child, muttering random nonsense about Kingdom Hearts to himself.

On the other side of Xemnas sat Sora, sucking on—DRINKING—his slushy and watching the movie innocently. When his cousin first came on the screen, Sora leaned forward and gestured excitedly to Riku, who couldn't help but smile and the brunette's enthusiasm.

They were about twenty minutes in, and nothing new had gone wrong. Even the creeper sitting behind him wasn't up to anything. Riku was actually able to ease up and watch the movie.

"_How wasted were _we _last night?"_

"_Well, I touched Tifa Lockhart's hoo-hoo, we're on the hook for two-hundred-thousand dollars that belongs to a transsexual stripper, and my motorcycle's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted."_

The theater erupted in laughter, and for a moment this almost felt normal.

Almost.

Not really.

Xemnas suddenly seemed _way _too attached to that pretzel…

Out of the corner of his eye, Riku saw Sora wave for his attention. When he looked, the brunette was offering him Pop Rocks behind Xemnas' head. (Since his thoughts were on a part of his body _very _different from his stomach, Riku had just dumped the box on Sora before they entered the theater.)

Without thinking, Riku reached over, stretching his arm over Xemnas' shoulders. It wasn't until Sora snatched away the candy and grinned mischievously that Riku realized what he'd just done. He felt Xemnas' hair brush his arm as the man slowly turned his head, fixing Riku with a dangerously blank stare. All he could do was try and smile awkwardly. "Ah-hah…uh…n-nice movie, huh?" _GODDAMMIT SORA I WILL MURDER YOUR SEXY ASS IN YOUR SEXY ASS SLEEP!...DAMMIT!_

Xemnas just stared at him for a few seconds, then slowly turned back to the movie. "Indeed."

Riku was about to spastically retract his arm, but was stopped by fingers digging painfully into his shoulder. He glanced behind him—"WHAT THE!?"

The bluenette was there. _Right _there. Right in his face. He held Riku's shoulder in a lethal grip, amber eyes bearing down on him like the Wrath of God.

Riku fidgeted and tried to break away, stuttering out broken curses and questions. As he squirmed, the blue-haired man lifted what looked like a radio to his mouth.

"Axel…it's time."

"Axel? Who the f—" At the back of the theater, Riku saw a guy with wild red hair stand up, holding aloft a match and…was that a beer bottle? "VIVE LE FEU!" He cried, touching the lighter to the bottle and hurling it in the air—

—and then the theater went up in a ball of fire. Flames tore up the aisles and rode along the ceiling, shredding the movie apart as its screen was incinerated. The redhead in the back was laughing his ass off, and the guy behind Riku had a disturbingly triumphant smile on his face.

WHAT THE HELL WAS _WRONG _WITH THESE PEOPLE!?

"Sora!" Riku leapt up and yanked the brunette out of his seat, and they were among the first people to shove through the emergency exit, fleeing onto the city streets as the Moogleplex went up in flame.

"You wanna know why I don't _date, _Sora?" Riku asked once they were safely across the street, surrounded by rubberneckers who were drawn by the light of the pyre. He flung his arm at the theater. " 'cause SHIT LIKE _THIS _happens!"

Sora managed a lopsided grin. "At least you can't say it was dull."

The silverette sighed heavily though his nose and looked pointedly at his friend, who was still dressed like a—very attractive—girl.

"_No, _Sora," he huffed. "…at _least _I can't say _that."_

* * *

**A/N: … :D **

**Yeah so this fic just kinda exploded near the end—literally. What? I was suffering from pyro-withdrawal. I needed my Axel. So **_**what **_**if there's no closure? (Pff. Closure? What is this?)**

**Quiz: Your unrequited love is going on a date with someone else. What do you do?**

** A. Tell him how I feel**

** B. Move on with my life**

** C. Burn the theater down because dammit, if I can't go on a movie date with him NOBODY CAN! **** Saïx Logic.**

**And no, Riku. Sora's not trying to kill you. I am. **

**And in case you didn't recognize it, the movie I parodied was **_**Dude, Where's My Car? **_**I know that's not actually a romcom, but my story is that Sora lied because he just wanted to see his cousin on the big screen, and I'm stickin' to it. **

**Just be glad I sent them to "Dude, Where's My Chocobo" and not "Brokeback Midgar". My fellow FF nerds will understand. **

**So there you have it. My derpy, jacked-up crack!fic, complete with Molotov Cocktails and a cross-dressing Sora [insert Riku nosebleed here].**

…

**Please don't kill me. **

**:D**

**Review for a chakram cookie~**

**Flame for a Molotov Cocktail to the face!**

**-Slay**


	4. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. STOP ASKING ME.**

**A/N: Technically, the fic **_**is **_**over, but Riku was such a good sport through all this nonsense that I decided to throw him a bone. This one's rated T for yaoi-flavored cotton candy! Mm.**

_**Bon à lire!**_

**-Slay**

_Match Maker_

_Epilogue: Pop Rocks, Among Other Things_

Well, it looked like the Moogleplex would survive, for the most part.

In the time it took firefighters to douse the movie theater, Riku and Sora had stolen into a nearby café to avoid the mayhem, where Sora took the opportunity to ditch his girly getup in the bathroom. When they stepped into the street again, Sora was back to normal, wearing the same blue sweater—which was perfectly innocent without the fake bust—cargo shorts and regular sandals. He swung the satchel containing his costumes over his shoulder and whistled at the damage. "That fire spread fast."

"Yeah." Originally, the Moogleplex was large and flashy, taking up a decent chunk of the block with its trailing lights and beaming marquis. Now it stood with half of its facilities crumbling and blackened, thick plumes of fresh smoke roiling up through the night. The crowds had calmed, but there were still large throngs of people surrounding the scene, being staved off by barriers the authorities set up. Ambulances, fire trucks, squad cars…

"C'mon Sor. We're not gonna be able to get through this mess anytime soon. May as well wait for things to clear up."

Riku gripped Sora's hand and guided him along the outskirts of the crowd, coming to rest on the wide concrete lip of a fountain planted in the central square. Sora dumped his bag on the ground and pulled out the unopened box of Pop Rocks.

"You're not gonna try anything funny again, are you?" Riku eyed the candy warily, officially gun-shy of his friend's creative outbursts.

Sora shook his head simply, rending the box open with his fingertips and pouring a mound of the tiny pilule candies into his palm. He handed the box to Riku, who took his own share, and together they started tossing back handfuls of Pop Rocks.

It always began with a mild fizzling, a low hum against the tongue. But then the _popping _started.

"Ah!" Sora yelped, cupping his cheek. "That one hurt!"

Riku laughed, but was then struck by the same thing—overly violent Pop Rocks snapping at his tongue. "Ow! Crap!" Pretty soon the two of them were rocking with laughter, holding their hands to their mouths as the last of the candy burst behind their teeth.

They calmed down after several minutes, a comfortable silence falling as they sat back to watch the theater fiasco uncoil. People were finally starting to trickle out of the massive crowds, emergency vehicles were rolling off the scene.

"I'm sorry."

Riku had been wrapped up in his own thoughts. "Huh?"

His friend looked up at him, blue eyes liquid in the low light. "I'm sorry," he shrugged. "This whole thing was kind of a disaster."

Riku snorted. "_Kind of?" _

Sora rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay. It was a complete catastrophe." Riku nodded in agreement, causing the brunette to chuckle lightly. "I just…wanted to help, y'know?"

"…Sora…" The brunette turned away from him, looking past the dissipating scene outside the Moogleplex. Riku sighed. This nonsense had gone on long enough—and he didn't just mean all the _blind date _business from tonight. He took a deep breath. "Sora, listen…I appreciate what you're trying to do, but the truth is, it doesn't matter _who _you set me up with. It's never gonna work out."

The brunette quirked an eyebrow at him. "Why not?"

"Because…" Riku avoided his friend's prying gaze, blushing in spite of himself. "Because there's already someone that…that I really care about, and I—"

"WHAT?"

Riku jumped. The next thing he knew, Sora was in his face, eyes wide with shock and a dash of anger. "You've liked someone this _whole time? _And you _never told me?_ Rikuuuu I thought we were best friends!" He slumped where he sat. "I went to all this trouble for _nothing?" _

"Sora—"

"So who is it?"

The brunette was back up in his business, leaning avidly toward him, eyes blazing like he was interrogating for precious information. All Riku could do was sit agog, paralyzed by that gorgeous, penetrating stare. "I…u-uh…"

"_Well?"_

"Sora, I don't—"

"_C'mon, _Riku! If you can't tell _me_, who _can _you tell?"

Riku didn't know what to say; how to put it, how to _explain _it. He had no idea where to begin, so he acted on impulse, taking Sora's face in his hands and sweeping him into a soft, determined kiss. To his small relief, Sora made no move to pull away, just rested without complaint against the gentle workings of his mouth. A few seconds passed before Riku broke it off, tilting back to see that the brunette actually had his eyes closed.

"…I see."

"Yeah."

"That…explains a lot, actually," Sora murmured, cracking his eyes demurely. Riku released his face and backed up, staring into his lap. "Look, I know this is pretty weird—" He never got to finish; Sora's lips effectively silenced him.

Hands knotted in his hair, pulling him close, then latched around his neck to keep him there. Flushed, newly familiar lips drove steadily against his, moving in brief and limited patterns. Completely dazed, Riku reached dumbly for a grip on the other boy, finally managing to draw him in, holding snugly to his body through the loose fabric of his sweater. Just as Riku was beginning to return the ministrations, Sora pried his mouth away. "What were you saying?"

"I honestly don't remember," Riku admitted blatantly. Sora laughed, his summery breath rolling over the silverette's mouth, practically planting a balmy new kiss there. Riku smiled and dipped his nose to nuzzle the brunette's cheek, dropping small, sweet kisses around his ear. Giggling, Sora tightened his grip around Riku's neck and burrowed into his shoulder.

Pandemonium had cleared from the streets surrounding the theater, but the pair didn't move. They just sat, wrapped up in each other, watching the soft surges of traffic circling the square. After a while, Riku started picking at the boisterous tufts of Sora's hair. "Hey, Sor? I have a question."

"Hm?"

"Why Xemnas?"

"…Oh…yeah, 'bout that…" There was a pause, during which Sora situated himself more comfortably in Riku's arms. "I…may or may not have…more or less...sorta, kinda, maybe drawn his name out of a hat," he said meekly. "Eh-heh…"

Riku blinked. He took Sora by the shoulders and held him at arm's length, regarding him with a very flat look. "So…you gave that whole speech about _finding the right person for me_, and then drew my date's name…_out of a hat?" _

"I actually drew Xemnas' name _before _I gave that speech, but…uh…" When he saw that this correction wasn't getting him anywhere, Sora flashed a big, stupid smile, trying to 'cuteness' his way out of it. It didn't work.

"Oh, c'mon, Ri," he gabbed, "Xemnas isn't _that _bad, is he? I mean, _sure _he's a little…_off kilter, _but who _isn't, _right?—"

"Sora."

"—Maybe he's actually a genius who can't reconcile with the world around him so he doesn't know how to socialize with people—"

"_Sora._"

"—And so the guy won't shut up about Kingdom Hearts, so what? Maybe it's something really cool, but you'd never know 'cause—"

"SORA!"

"Don't kill me!" Sora slammed his eyes shut and threw up his hands defensively, fearing the worst. A moment passed, and after watching his friend's dramatic flinching, Riku broke into a smile, swaying forward and pecking Sora on the nose. The other boy's eyes snapped open. He stared at Riku, incredulous. "You…You're not mad?"

Riku shook his head. "I'm not mad."

Openly relieved, Sora plunged back into the silverette's arms, nestling cozily against his chest. Riku rubbed affectionate circles into his back. "You were just looking out for me," he muttered warmly. "Besides," he rested his head against Sora's, his voice low and crooning, "I've already had my revenge."

Sora stiffened. "…You have?"

"Mhm." Enjoying his friend's growing horror, Riku fished his cell phone out of his pocket, tapped at the screen a few times, then flipped it so Sora could see the picture he'd taken. It was of Sora, back in the bathroom at the café. He'd pretty much finished changing, save for the hot pink bra that had supported his fake rack.

"I thought it would make a cute profile picture," Riku mused. "It shows your…_softer _side."

"GAH! RIKU!" Sora's face had gone up like a beet. He lunged for the phone, but Riku swung it effortlessly out of his reach. "_Please _don't post that, Riku! I'm begging you!" He was practically crawling over Riku trying to reach the phone. "Come on! There's gotta be another way I can make this up to you! _Please!" _

"There is one thing you could do," Riku suggested mildly.

"What is it? Anything!"

Sora came dangerously close to nabbing the phone, but Riku swiftly replaced it in his pocket and snagged Sora's wrist, turning the brunette's attention back to him.

"I want to go on a _real _date. No hoity-toity restaurants, no awkward movie theaters, no _disguises, _and no _crackpots_ raving about _Kingdom Hearts _and _pretzels."_

"Done!" The brunette nodded resolutely. "We can do whatever you want—I won't say a word!"

"Promise?"

Sora crossed his heart zealously. "I promise!"

"…Deal." Riku pulled the phone back out, and the second it fell into Sora's hands he curled up and set to feverishly deleting the bra picture, confirming that it hadn't already been posted, and even going so far as to scour the phone for anything else that could be used against him. Riku watched this in amusement, snaking his arms around Sora's waist and propping his chin on the boy's shoulder.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Riku shrugged, taking his phone back once Sora was finished 'blackmail-proofing' it. "There are worse things than being seen in women's underwear."

"Like what?"

Riku wasn't able to respond—they were both distracted by someone shouting across the square.

"SUPERIOR, _PLEASE! _I MUST INSIST YOU PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON _THIS INSTANT!"_

Without warning, a very jazzed, very _naked _Xemnas came streaking past them, clinging to his soft pretzel with his hands flung high over his head. "I'M COMING, KINGDOM HEARTS! WAIT FOR ME!" He tore around the fountain and launched himself down a nearby street, scaring off entire flocks of people who flung themselves out of his way. The bluenette from the theater was trailing a ways after him, carrying a shapeless pile of black cloth in his arms and frantically apologizing to the terrified faces of the pedestrians.

Sora and Riku sat frozen, their eyes painfully disintegrating out of their skulls.

"Like that," Riku answered tightly.

There was a long pause, where they could hear their brains fizzling away like Pop Rocks, and then Sora twisted around and buried his face in Riku's shoulder again. "Yeah, I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see that."

"Yeah." Riku stroked his hair consolingly. "Yeah…"

**A/N: BAM. Just when you thought I was going to take this seriously. xD Oh well. At least I managed to get some fluff in there before scarring you for life with a naked Xemy. Enjoy that image. It's probably gonna be engrained in your mind for a long time. **

**Xemnas: Indeed.**

**My idea of rectifying my transgressions against Riku is to transfer them onto Sora, apparently. They say two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left, so your argument is invalid.**

**I would also like to inform you that I was listening to "Sexy And I Know It" while I finished this chapter, isn't that right, Xemy?**

**Xemnas: Indeed.**

**This is why I have no fans. :D**

**Review for a chakram cookie~**

**Flame for a chakram to the face!**

**TTFN, ta ta for now! **

**-Slay**


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